I want you to start living as a gay woman

When gay people first started to appear on TV and in the media, the stereotypes that were common were those of effeminate camp men and butch women.


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Some people still think that every gay man and woman have to fit that stereotype. Others may feel that the stereotypes have flipped and gay men should be muscular and have beards while lesbians should have long blonde hair and wear lots of make up! The truth is, stereotypes suck and we all know they do. Being lesbian, gay or bi does not have to define you. If you like going to the gym, good on you. If you prefer a good film to a good run, amazing.

Every school, college, uni and even workplace has a legal obligation to ensure that every one of its students or employees is treated fairly and offered the same opportunities. Many schools realise the importance of making sure their staff are trained to tackle homophobia when they see it.

You should never feel pressured to join a group like this, but you may find that you meet loads of other people who have been, or are going through, similar experiences as you. It is very easy to let the anxieties and fears around coming out completely take over the experience. But remember, coming out is one of the most amazing things you will ever do.

This Is What LGBT Life Is Like Around the World - Jenni Chang and Lisa Dazols - TED Talks

You will finally be able to be your whole self and it WILL change your life. Those butterflies you feel in your stomach — see them as excitement rather than nerves! You may have had years to get to a place where you are comfortable with being lesbian, gay or bisexual.

Top 11 Tips for Coming Out as Lesbian, Gay or Bi - Ditch the Label

Just think though, those people who you will be telling will have a split second to give you a reaction. Give them chance to digest the news. It may come as a complete surprise. They may have questions, so pre-empt what these could be and be prepared to support them too.

They may need your support as much as you need theirs! You will be amazed at how free you will feel once you have come out. Just remember that you are doing the right thing, you are allowing yourself to be who were always meant to be and this means you can start living YOUR life!

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To find out how to change your settings, go to our Cookie Policy. Share This. Are you looking for help with this issue? Click here to search help topics. The last paragraph you wrote conveys some pretty strong emotions - I really sense them and understand the upset.


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I'd like to talk more about the last paragraph next time we write after we walk through your walk through of the scenario I gave. Hi Paul. It has taken me a while to reply as the last few days have been pretty hectic. I understand what you are saying about why the post has ended up in this section. I am pretty old fashioned when it comes to families. I see a family as a mum, a dad and kids. I believe in kids having a man and a woman as their parents. That is how I was brought up and they are the values my family have instilled in me I guess. I don't have anything against same sex couples having kids but it just seems unfair on the kids to me.

I worry about them getting teased and bullied by other kids. School children can be very cruel.. I worry about all of these things.

In terms of finding a new doctor I know I need to but keep putting it off. I never feel comfortable with doctors.

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They make me feel anxious. Don't know why. I also don't like talking about my mental health or personal issues with strangers so that is going to be tough.. Family values are something that is precious to us all and no one can dictate how you should raise your kids a health professional will NOT do this. I understand and respect that you don't like to talk to strangers about how you feel. Please keep in mind that any professional you talk to is bound by law and ethics to maintain complete secrecy.

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When you visit, they are going to be focussing on your mental health and ensuring you are OK, they may perhaps talk about how to manage some of the emotions that are flying around inside and also the emotions that used to fly around inside. You can choose the time to tell them you are gay, perhaps that might be after a few visits and you feel comfortable with them and they aren't a stranger anymore. Can you tell me what you'd like to gain from the forums here at Beyond Blue so we can help you achieve what you need to feel well again?

What I really want to achieve is to share how I'm feeling and to gain advice and or perspective from others. I don't expect a magical fix but I just want some guidance on what I should do in my situation. Ultimately it is my decision and I know that. No one can make the decision for me but at the moment it just seems too confusing and too hard to tackle so I pretend it's not there and just keep going. I wonder if any other married men can relate to my post or have been through a situation like this and are on the forum?

If so I would like to know how they got through this. I'm not after sympathy or just having a whinge I just want to hear how others would go about dealing with being gay but married to a woman. Hi Steven, hope you don't mind me joining in here and I hope my thoughts don't upset you I am now on my second marriage and a good bit older than you so I might be seeing things a bit differently but, for what it's worth, I think marriages only truly work if both partners are honestly happy and fulfilled in the marriage - and I mean honestly and I mean both.

You have much to consider and decide concerning your own life, but so does your wife - whether she knows it or not. I guess what I'm trying to say, not so subtly, is that the future of your marriage doesn't just depend on whether you as a gay man can or wants to stay with a woman. To put it bluntly, it is equally about whether your heterosexual wife wants a gay husband, or would be happier having the freedom to find a partner who is sexually attracted to her. In my opinion, if you love her and respect her, and see her as more than just the bearer of your children, this is something you both need to consider.

I very much understand where you are coming from! I grew up in a very strongly religious family, and if I reflect I would say at some level I knew I was attracted to men probably around the same time as you. But I tried very hard to do what was expected of me, and I dated a couple of girls, and eventually married. I was married for 15 years, and have three lovely kids, who are now 13, 10 last week! I spent a good fraction of those 15 years in a pretty dark place and was on antidepressants about half that time.

I was able to blame it even partly to myself on trying to write a PhD which I managed eventually , and on the trauma of one of my kids being very sick as an infant.

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But really, in that small part of me that could be honest with myself, the real problem was, like you, that I was living a lie. Eventually, I felt that I had to admit it mostly to myself , that I am gay. I felt like I would lose everything, but once I had admitted it to myself, I told my wife the next morning. I love and respect her, and it was important to me to tell her. We separated amicably shortly after.

I told my parents a couple of days after I told my wife actually by email - they were living in the country, and I knew I couldn't do it over the phone. It was a good move.

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Time to compose your thoughts was good for me and good for them. They were very surprised, but have been a rock solid support. My ex wife is an awesome woman, and although some of it has been emotionally hard for both of us, she has been constructive and understanding throughout. As I said, my parents have been awesome, and the rest of my family have been fine too. Being a part-time single parent was really hard, but as I've relaxed a bit and as the kids have grown up it has got much easier. I have a lovely partner - we've been together a couple of years, and my ex wife has a new partner too.

He's lovely and loves the kids too. I've rambled on long enough for one post, but if you want to know more about my story, I'm happy to share it. Welcome to posting on here. Thanks for sharing part of your story. I think it helps to know things can get better. I am encouraged by what has happened for you.

Thanks from me as well for sharing your story. It seems that one of the important points of your experience is that you came out to yourself before you came out to others. I think that would be really important when it comes time to sharing emotions with others and dealing with some of the difficulties and questions as well. Coming out to yourself, and accepting that this is just how you are is the hardest step, at least it was for me. One thing I forgot to say earlier which I think is also important is that I feared that by coming out I would lose everything, but it never occurred to me to think about what I might gain.